Options in Mediation

   Typically sessions are held with the parties and the mediator in a joint session.  However, some parties attending mediation may have a level of conflict that has escalated to the point that they are no longer able to adequately express their feelings and positions in a joint session.  While the joint session is preferable, the mediator may choose to conduct all, or at least a part of the sessions, in the form of a caucus.  This enables the mediator to meet separately with the parties to enable the parties to better express themselves and assure that they are fully setting forth their positions on the issues.  In extreme cases, the mediator may utilize “shuttle diplomacy” by going back and forth with the parties in separate rooms to facilitate full and open communication between the parties.  You should feel free to discuss your needs with the mediator.

Benefits to Children

   Experts agree that it is not the divorce or separation itself that is so damaging to the average child, but the amount of conflict experienced during that transition period and after the separation.

   Whether you choose mediation as a tool or not, please remember that your children are watching and learning. No one should ever divorce a child.  Your mediator can provide information and tools to assist you in communicating with your child about the events taking place in the family at this time.  Obviously a two year old will experience divorce and separation differently from a ten year old, and the developmental needs of your child must be considered in the creation of a good plan.

   Mediation is an especially important tool if you will be required to continue to maintain a relationship with your spouse or partner.  Most people mistakenly believe that on the date their final decree is filed with the Court, their problems will be over.  It is important to reflect upon the number of years of children's birthdays, school programs, recreational activities, weddings, funerals, extended family celebrations, holidays, summer vacations, and other important events you will be forced to share until your child becomes an adult and even beyond. Consider giving your child the gift of both parents' presence in their lives whenever possible.

   Typically, the separating family is extremely disorganized for at least one year following the separation.  Shifting mealtimes, bedtimes, work schedules, and, frequently, changes in schools or day care result in added stress for you and your children. Chronic stress experienced as a result of lengthy litigation directly affects your ability to assist your children in dealing with their stresses and adjustments during this time of change in their lives. Your mediator can assist you in reducing the impact of the separation on your children by providing a settlement that meets the needs of both parties and results in a more timely resolution.

Impact on Future Relationships

  The manner in which you end this relationship will have a significant impact upon your future relationships.  Continuing anger and resentment resulting from this separation will result in additional stress on future relationships. Mediation can assist you by providing a  non-destructive release for the anger you may be feeling and helping refrain such attitudes as “make them pay” into more positive solutions.

 “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”

--Mahatma Gandhi

   A mediator can assist you in learning new communication tools that will help you avoid some of the mistakes you may have made in this relationship.

   Destructive and nonfunctional communication patterns that existed in this relationship can be terminated.

   Once recognized, these patterns can be changed, and you will be equipped to avoid these communication patterns in your future relationships.

   So many people see divorce and separation as such a negative event in their lives that they fail to see some of the positive aspects of divorce and separation.  If you have made the decision to separate, it is reasonable to assume that you have been unhappy. While the restructuring of a household is chaotic, painful, and stressful, it can be a time to recover old skills, explore new opportunities and strengths, and provide an opportunity to re-evaluate your values and life-styles.

   By providing an environment and opportunity to fully discuss your feelings regarding this separation, you can begin to heal the pain that results from a negative relationship and move forward to a new stage in your life.

“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.”

--Hippocrates

Parenting Coordinator Services

   In high conflict divorces involving children, the services of a parenting coordinator may be of great assistance to the parties and children.  The services of the parenting coordinator are generally utilized to assist the parties in following their agreements, dealing with changes required after the signing of the agreement or entry of an order, and issues which arise after the separation.  Generally, referrals for these services are made by attorneys or the court, and you should discuss the details of the appointment of a parenting coordinator with your attorney. ( more information )